btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
