i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize