Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
