so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
