My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize