I think i sorta joined a cult last night
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
