and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
