Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
