Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
