i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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