You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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