And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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