i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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