The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
