dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
