Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
