What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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