i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The power of my boobs compel you
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize