I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
