I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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