someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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