I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
