If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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