A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
