I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize