I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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