You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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