Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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