in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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