So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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