I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
