super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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