Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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