Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
