no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
