Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
