Got a toothbrush?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
