my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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