I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
