Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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