i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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