the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize