I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
