Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
