I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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