BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
