and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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