the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Watching her eat just hurts me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
