My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
