the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
