I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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