I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
