I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's blow job season.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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