I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
