thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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