You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
