I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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