His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
