If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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