Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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