I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Actions speak louder than pants.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
