Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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